Firewood and Sawing Logs.

So, my beloved wifey is off on the East Coast of this great nation. Leaving me and the two cats to fend for ourselves. Out little gray kitty, Sophie, doesn't much seem to notice that Mika is gone. Well, she notices that there's no one to walk all over and sleep on top of, but that's about it. Bailey, the huge black panther, is in solid mope. He wandered aimlessly around the house last night, crying. He's such a momma's boy.

It's rough sleeping all by myself. That big bed gets a might chilly without two in it to warm it up. Plus, there's something very comforting and reassuring about having a beautiful woman snoozing happily away right next to me. That breathing rhythm of hers when she's sleeping... it's relaxing.

* * *

I got the enviable task of shifting a half cord of wood on Saturday... by myself. I had two buddies offer to help, but by the time the wood actually showed up, I figured they'd be too busy prepping for the night of Halloween debauchery. No, I wasn't feeling martyrish nor cavalier about it; I just didn't want to stress anyone out and figured I could handle it.

As it turns out, I could.

Once I stopped using my back as a crane, I did fine. I broke a sweat, breathed a little heavy... got a nice work out. Of course, on Sunday, a few muscles I didn't even know I had were a bit sore, but today I'm good.

And tonight, all the little kids in the neighborhood will be out panhandling for anything laced with sugar. Feh. I think I'll work at a Haunted House next year. Scare some folks. That's a lot more fun than watching TV and waiting for the doorbell to ring.

If cars had evolved like computers...

You hear that babble all the time:
"If the automobile had evolved like the personal computer, and over the same time period, that today you'd be able to purchase a Rolls Royce for $1.00 that gets 1 million miles per gallon with enough horsepower to run the ship the Queen Elizabeth 2." I beleive noted author Christopher Evans started that notion.

Of course, if the car actually had evolved like the computer, we'd likely have the Big Four auto makers...

Apple - The very pinnacle of design and luxury in a modern automobile. Your Apple car only runs on the most expensive gasoline, which is only available at select gas stations. Apple cars are completely silent. They only drive on some roads, but are allowed to exceed the maximum posted speed limits. After 5 years, your Apple car becomes obsolete and has no trade-in value.

IBM - The IBM car, while not as luxurious as the Apple, is still well designed and nicely styled. Many after-market upgrades and accessories are available. IBM cars are nearly silent, run on almost all roads, and take higher-grade gasoline. However, with normal use, the steering wheel dissolves and must be replaced every 3 months. Under heavy operating loads, your IBM car will suffer performance loss, overheat, and sometimes, stop.

Dell - Dell cars are not luxurious, and not very pleasing to the eye. Dell cars run on most roads and take low-grade gasoline, but every year you need to replace the entire drivetrain. While Dell offers 30 different "models" of cars, they are all based on the same two cars, they just have different names. Infrequently, your Dell car will suffer complete engine failure and come to a grinding halt for no appearent reason.

Gateway - Slow, noisy, ugly, but very affordable, your Gateway car comes every conceivable extra known to man, and then some. Attempts to remove any of these extras render the car completely useless. Gateway cars operate on any petroleum-based liquid and will operate on most roads. At freeway speeds, Gateway cars have been known to burst into flames, spin out of control and crash.

Sounds about right to me.

Bad video game, worse movie.

Hollywood will take anything and try to make a movie out of it. Let's forget, for a moment, that thousands of writers in the U.S. create masterful scripts that make their way to a studio Reader, who then uses them to light his cigars. Let's ignore the fact that talented screenwriters are just waiting for their movie to be made. ...And let's talk about bullshit.

Cuz that's the end result, 98% of the time, when Hollywood tries to turn a video game into a movie. Need evidence? I'll just run down the list, shall I?

Super Mario Brothers - [insert laughter here] You can't really call that a movie, can you?

Street Fighter - OMFG that flick was total crap. I just feel bad for Raul Julia... brilliant actor with a luminous career... and that's his last feature film. =(

Mortal Combat - Unknown Actors Who Can't Act + Christopher Lambert (complete with Beavis-esc laugh) = useless fighting movie with no discerable plot. The nicest thing I can say about that flick is that one of Liu Kang's fight scenes was nicely choreographed.

Wing Commander - "Hey! Did I just hear Luke Skywalker?" Hideous movie. Just hideous.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The supporting characters were more entertaining than Angelina Jolie's protrayal of a semi-angst-ridden Lady Croft. As much I hate to say it, big boobs will only entertain an audience for so long.

Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life - Total crap. The supporting characters weren't even fun this time.

Resident Evil - If the movie had only 3 things in common with the game, can you still say it's based on the game? And the movie wasn't scary. It just had some shock value now and then.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse - Ah... the glimmer of hope. Many homages to the video game franchise. Not scary at all, but action packed. Finally, a solid effort.

Doom - ...What? Are you kidding? The game had no plot, so they had to steal the plot from Resident Evil for the movie. Even the CIA won't show this movie to get information out of spies... it's too cruel.

And now to the crux of the matter: Uwe Boll's sadistically directed House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I think I speak for gamers everywhere when I say that Uwe Boll should be banned from directing, producing, touching or even watching movies EVER again.

Yet... he's at it again. This man is not only responsible for the two worst video game movies ever, but these movies are also in list of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made! And guess what, kids? He's wrapping up work on the big-screen adaptation of BloodRayne, and has accepted the reins for the upcoming FarCry and Hunter: The Reckoning movies.

However, there is poetic justice. Uwe Boll has been tapped to direct the silver screen presentation of "Postal", Running With Scissors' unapologetically horrible video game. When I say that the video game Postal is bad, I need you to understand my full meaning:
1. Strip all of your clothes off.
2. Find a skunk.
3. Open your mouth.
4. Grab the skunk by the midsection, point its ass-end at your face and squeeze.
5. Roll around in shards of broken glass.
6. Jump into a hot tub filled with lemon juice.
7. Pour Tabasco sauce into your eyes.

Now. As bad as you feel right now... as horrific as things are... the video game Postal is worse. Trust me, you'd rather follow all of those steps than play that game. If you can call it playing, or a game. That thing is an affront to video games.

So, let's take a horrible video game and turn it into a movie and have the worst director of all time take charge of it! (oh, if only the suicide pact part was true...)

But it does sound appropriate to me. I mean, it's not like I'd want Ridley Scott, Steven Speilberg, or Martin Scorsese directing that movie. No, if they HAVE to make the movie, I think they've got the wors- I mean, the best man for the job.

Did you know...?

Did you know there's a sport where you get to dress up like an Old-West cowboy, holster a single action six-shooter, and take to the (fake) streets of a (Hollywood-set-type) bygone days boom town?

I am so there.

A Little Pixelante Justice

If you have any sort of inclination towards playing video games, you're aware of this. Yeah, Jack Thompson, esq. is back to his slanderous, ill-conceived, name-calling ways.

Anyway, as Tycho pointed out, Crackpot Jack did manage to blurt out a damn fine neologism: Pixelante.

The guys at Straight Loop have made a t-shirt with the new word. I've ordered my Pixelante t-shirt. Proceeds go to Tycho & Gabe's gamer-funded charity. You should get one, too. Not cuz Crackpot Jack said it, but cuz it's funny and you're helping make kids in the hospital happy. And that's a good thing.

Top Ten Things I Learned From Watching Serenity

Top Ten Things I Learned From Watching Serenity

10. Channelling a year's worth of pent up sexual energy into your trigger finger means you'll fire true and live.
9. Punching someone in the throat is more effective than running them through with a sword.
8. When gettin' bizzay on the ship, make sure the hatch above your head is closed.
7. When a beautiful woman has a gun pointed at the back of your head and asks if you know what the definition of a hero is, your best option is to faint.
6. When an annoying commercial for oaty bars comes on, run.
5. No matter what anyone tells you, bring the grenades.
4. If you can't do anything smart, do something right.
3. When a very expensive call-girl says "That's not incense": duck!
2. Never ride in anything with a Capissen 38 engine.
And the Number One Thing I Learned From Watching Serenity is:
1. When avoiding Reavers in an open-air vehicle, keep your mouth closed.

Saw Serenity. Saluted same.

Finally saw Serenity last night. If you haven't seen it, better do it tonight.

This is clearly a case of "The Best Movie You Aren't Watching." Having watched 2 to 3 episodes of Firefly per night in order to gear up for the movie, I was amped for it. I even dressed up like Wash. *sniff* ...so sad.

Anywho, the movie was the best Sci-Fi flick I've seen in years. (No, I didn't go see Star Wars Ep 3, which supposedly rawked, but Eps 1 & 2 sucked soooo badly, I wasn't going to waste my money.) It does stand on its own, so if you haven't seen the series, you'll be fine. But if you have, it's great and ties up a few lose ends. HOWEVER, it leaves two big questions unresolved: Blue Sun Corp. and the Hands of Blue.

River was being hunted down by two men in black suits wearing blue gloves. They were ruthless killers and used seemingly "black-ops" tactics and weaponry in their hunt. The Hands of Blue almost had River on Ariel, but couldn't get to her in time, with all that killing they needed to do first. But they make no appearence in Serenity. Aren't even mentioned.

And then there's the omnipresent Blue Sun Corp. If you pay attention to the series, you will note the Blue Sun logo on everything from coffee cans, to crates, to soda, and shirts. It even makes an appearence in the movie on a bottle of sake. So what's the big deal with them? Well... remember in the episode "Shindig" when River starts peeling labels from cans and smashing crackers? Yeah, Blue Sun logos on all of them. And remember when River takes a butcher's knife and slashes Jayne across the chest? What shirt was he wearing? Yeah, the one with the Blue Sun logo on it. Show creator Joss Whedon noted that Blue Sun was a gigantic corporation on more than one occasion. He also hinted at them possibly being a shadow government. If this is true, it's likely that they at least helped fund the "Academy" where River was... and that they'd like to have her back.

This is all speculative conjecture on my part, mind you, but these are the questions that will keep me up at night. And since Serenity is unlikely to make 50 million dollars (U.S.) at the box office, we may never get a sequel.

And I will be sad.

One more thing: Stop saying you are leaf on the wind. You aren't.

And there was dryness.

Well, I broke down and got contact lenses for the second time in my life. The first time was a large disaster because they hadn't invented soft lenses that corrected astigmatism yet. Plus, if I was in an air-conditioned building, the moisture was sucked right out of my eyes.

This time out, the lenses correct my astigmatism. I see better with the contacts than I do with my glasses. But air-conditioning still kills my eyes.

Yes, yes... I've decreased my caffiene intake and increased my water intake. This merely culminates in me being cranky and peeing every 15 minutes. This brings us to moisture drops.

So far, I've tried drops by Bauch & Lomb (ReNu), Alcon (Opti-Free) and CIBA Vision (AQuify). And so far, the AQuify drops kick the stuffin' out of the others. One drop of this stuff is better than three of the others. I'd thought that the ReNu ones were my favorites before, but after trying Opti-Free, I found that the ReNu drops were mildly irritating. And after trying the AQuify drops, I found that the others were a complete waste of money.

Live and learn, I suppose.

Now, anyone know where I can pick up more of the AQuify drops? My local drugstore and Walgreens online are both sold out!

Feline departure.

I was informed that the second of the "Brothers Large" passed away over the weekend. My sister had two unusually large cats: Murphy and Yoshi. Or, as I liked to call them: Thunderbutt and Leadfoot.

Yoshi passed away earlier this year. Murphy went to the great velour pillow in the sky this past weekend.

It's rough knowing that they're gone. They were around for at least 12 years, probably longer. Yoshi was a kitten when my Sis got him, but Murpo was at least 3 when he adopted her, making him around 15 when he left this world. (Cats adopt people, you know.) But them being gone kinda freaks me out. They weren't even "my" cats, but I got to play with them, visit with them, buy them Christmas presents.

And they're both gone in the same year.

Some folks get all squinky about cats dying. They claim detachment: "How can you get attached to a cat?" Silliest question on the planet. If you had a someone living with you for 12 years and they died, would you miss them? Yeah you would. Cats behave more like people than most folks know. And when they go, they take a little bit of you with them. Tangible joy has left the world. And you're left with a dull ache in the middle of your chest... an emptiness that only time can fill.

Farewell, Murphy.

Have map. Can't travel.

Some of my so-called "friends" got me to play World of Warcraft... again.

Yeah, I had played it when it first launched, but quickly got bored and frustrated. My "friends" insisted that I was simply playing the wrong class. Well, after City of Heroes & Guild Wars finally bored me beyond words, I took their advice and created a Tauren Hunter in WoW last week. It was actually fun. I was having a great time and then I got a pet! Yay! A big saber-toothed kitty thing to travel around with me and kill stuff. It was a good time! Evil beasties fell to the thunder of my boomstick and the claws of my feline minion. Things were looking up!

But then...

My cow-man hunter now has 6 missions in his list of things to do. All six missions are of the "go there and do this" sort. The problem is that the directions to stated "there" are unbeleivably useless. "Go northeast"... "Find an oasis"... "Go north"... Seriously, those are the directions I've been given. I went for a run for an HOUR looking for one of these destinations and couldn't find it.

Why can't the directions be a bit more specific? Or better yet: the game has a MAP that users can pull up at any point while gaming. Why can't the NPC giving me the mission MARK the destination on my map? Hell, even just a general area to search would be an improvement.

See, when I play a game, I want the experience to be game play. You know, playing a game. I don't want it to be work! I don't want the game to make me feel like I'm driving a 1977 Dodge Aspen north-bound along some completely unmarked road in Nebraska when I'm trying to find my way from Monterey to Oakland, California.

So, one of my "friends" says, "Oh, you just need the map plug in. It'll give you the coordinates." And my thought on that is: this game is so badly designed that end-users are forced to make applications to fix its flaws?

Explain to me again why this game is good?

Thank you, for not watching.

"Aah! Curse you and your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

Yes, my series set of Firefly arrived in the mail yesterday and I was able to sit though 2 hours of it with barely an interruption. (Well, my wife did come home and ask what was up, but I was able to do the grunty-non-verbal-grunt thing that says to all interlopers: "I'm watching a show and it's really good. Please cease all noise.")

I would like to thank everyone for not watching this show while it was on the air. Most of all, I'd like to thank myself for not watching. See, if I had been watching the show and they yanked it, I'd be pissed. More pissed than I was when Joan of Arcadia and Farscape were pulled... combined. But since I wasn't watching, I now get to watch the entire series and then the movie, with no multi-year gap inbetween. And not waiting is always good.

I'm a fan of movies and really good TV shows. Actually, I'm a fan of writers and directors, and sometimes actors. Any TV show or movie with good writing, good direction and good acting gets me all fired up. And Firefly, or what I've seen of it already, has great writing, good direction, and good acting. (Well, Adam Baldwin [Jayne] and Alan Tudyk [Wash] are great/phenomonal, everyone else is good.) High caliber stuff makes me happy. The action is good, but the interplay between the characters and comic stuff... over the top fantastic.

"Can't get paid if you crawl away like a bitty little bug neither. I got a share of this job. Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' into nothin', carry the nothin'..."

"Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might want to see to that."

"Oh, see - they don't know a damn thing! It's all over your face and I ain't even... I was gonna get me a ear, too."

"Aah! Curse you and your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

Classic.

I can't wait to watch the rest and then catch the movie... and then purchase the movie on DVD and put up on a pedastal with the series and judge all other Sci-Fi by how it compares.

...the crow said to the goose.

Geese have taken over the lawn at work again this year. I'd heard that some group was working towards getting the geese to return to their regular migratory patterns, but... I like 'em.

Sure, there's goose poop everywhere, but the geese themselves are pretty. I, however, am in the minority. Most folks dislike the geese and their noisy, poopin' ways. They also dislike the ducks that come back early and swim in our fountain. I enjoy the ducks as well. Besides, the ducks poop in the fountain, keeping the sidewalk clean and the fountain maintenance guy in business.

The only other regulars to the area who seem to enjoy the geese are the crows. Yesterday, as I was wandering the 60 yards from one building to another, I spotted a group of about 20 geese on the lawn poking around for snails or such. In the middle of their gaggle was one, solitary, black crow. The crow, too, was preoccupied with looking for a snack. At first, I thought this looked sort of crazy: one crow in the middle of all these geese. But then I realized that this was the most intelligent crow on the planet. He had 20, large, noisy bodyguards surrounding him. One of the bigger bodyguards on the outskirts stopped foraging and fixed one black, unblinking eye on me as I walked past.

"Good eyes there, Johnny. I'll find you a nice plump grub."

Smartest crow ever.

When I say "See" I do not mean "Punch"

I sometimes find it ostensibly ridiculous how much I take some folks’ weblogs to heart.
Some people, meh. Their entries are as personal an American Greetings “I’m Sorry” card with a rock glued to it hurled at great velocity into a crowded Starbucks.
But others… I get a real sense of that person. At times, I actually empathize with them. I understand their pain. Sick, yesh? That’s me.

Whatever the f*@k is wrong with my brain, it doesn’t end there. I imagine that normal people, when lying in their beds readying their normal brains for sleep, wax poetic on their deeds of the day. Perhaps they chuckle at some random morsel of hilarity right before they blissfully enter SleepyLand. (Yesh, SleepyLand has adopted the 90’s “CapitaliZation WheRe It DoesN’t BeLong” fetish.) I, on the other hand, do not. My brain teems with information. Random crap from the day floods my conscious which invariably throws coal into the boiler of My Brakeless Train of Thought™. And it’s not like said train of thought has any set path… oh no. It careens off at mind-bending speeds, visiting places I’ve not seen in 5, 10, or 20 years. And then, just when it finds a particularly miserable or uncomfortable memory, it halts for a visit.

That’s not normal, right?

In the past, I’ve extolled the virtues of Xanax, heralding its calming ability. Such cries of praise are always met with concern or even outrage. “How can you condone the use of such mind-altering drugs?” some decry. My reply, “Buddy, if you had my mind, you’d want it altered.” But it's not the past anymore, and I only have need of that ballistic calmative when travelling. (Note: Mac + Travelling = Vomit & Sociopathic Episode)

* * *

The heretofore labelled “Tiki Death Punch” has been renamed a much less controversial: “Scorned Alien God Punch”. No, I will not repeat its ingredients nor the hour-long preparation of only 1 part of the punch. The recipe will be released in a book at some point in the future. You’ll just need to wait.

Speaking of books reminds me of writing, and writing reminds me that my screenplay is being blue & redpenciled in the capable hands of a resident of that much maligned “LA Area.” Yesh, we S.F. Bay Area dwellers do not much appreciate the work of those too-tanned folks. But: if ya wanna write a movie, ya gotta work with those folks. Besides, the gal who’s giving my script the once-over (twice) is a doll. Much hugs to her!

* * *

And, today was a Saturday; a Saturday that saw me at work. I’ll be at work tomorrow as well. And then in again for another 5 days straight after that. Mmm… 12-day work weeks. Which brings me to today’s closer:
No matter what anyone tells you, never, NEVER work in the development, production, or testing areas of a video game company if you like having a social life.

* * *
My Brakeless Train of Thought is a registered Trademark of Lone Mantis Creations. Used here with permission. © 2005 Lone Mantis Creations.

As it happens, it happens.

Yeah, so... another blog. Big friggin' whoop.

Honestly, this isn't my first blog. It's my 5th. My last blog went up in smoke when my ISP decided to hold my server hostage. So I'm done with hosting a blog myself. I'll let blogger house all of my ramblings.

The title of this blog "Huff. Puff. Damn this house!" is a reference I made long ago to the old tale of the Three Pigs. It's what that wolf was saying, upon realizing the futility of trying to blow down a brick house. But then, why would a wolf blow the houses down anyway? Heck, just kick in the door and have some ham for dinner, wolfie! I never understood that.

Yes, this is the sort of thing you can look forward to if you persist in reading my blog: random statements on silliness. Oh, and frequently, I'll quote my Father and Grandfather. They're funny guys. And while Grandpa, God rest is soul, is no longer with us, his wisdom still lingers on.

Oh, other crazy bits by me:

http://www.riboflavin.biz
http://lonemantis.com/sixball

And I leave you with something to ponder:
Why is, "Dear LORD! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!" always followed by, "Here, taste this"?