Bad video game, worse movie.

Hollywood will take anything and try to make a movie out of it. Let's forget, for a moment, that thousands of writers in the U.S. create masterful scripts that make their way to a studio Reader, who then uses them to light his cigars. Let's ignore the fact that talented screenwriters are just waiting for their movie to be made. ...And let's talk about bullshit.

Cuz that's the end result, 98% of the time, when Hollywood tries to turn a video game into a movie. Need evidence? I'll just run down the list, shall I?

Super Mario Brothers - [insert laughter here] You can't really call that a movie, can you?

Street Fighter - OMFG that flick was total crap. I just feel bad for Raul Julia... brilliant actor with a luminous career... and that's his last feature film. =(

Mortal Combat - Unknown Actors Who Can't Act + Christopher Lambert (complete with Beavis-esc laugh) = useless fighting movie with no discerable plot. The nicest thing I can say about that flick is that one of Liu Kang's fight scenes was nicely choreographed.

Wing Commander - "Hey! Did I just hear Luke Skywalker?" Hideous movie. Just hideous.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The supporting characters were more entertaining than Angelina Jolie's protrayal of a semi-angst-ridden Lady Croft. As much I hate to say it, big boobs will only entertain an audience for so long.

Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life - Total crap. The supporting characters weren't even fun this time.

Resident Evil - If the movie had only 3 things in common with the game, can you still say it's based on the game? And the movie wasn't scary. It just had some shock value now and then.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse - Ah... the glimmer of hope. Many homages to the video game franchise. Not scary at all, but action packed. Finally, a solid effort.

Doom - ...What? Are you kidding? The game had no plot, so they had to steal the plot from Resident Evil for the movie. Even the CIA won't show this movie to get information out of spies... it's too cruel.

And now to the crux of the matter: Uwe Boll's sadistically directed House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. I think I speak for gamers everywhere when I say that Uwe Boll should be banned from directing, producing, touching or even watching movies EVER again.

Yet... he's at it again. This man is not only responsible for the two worst video game movies ever, but these movies are also in list of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made! And guess what, kids? He's wrapping up work on the big-screen adaptation of BloodRayne, and has accepted the reins for the upcoming FarCry and Hunter: The Reckoning movies.

However, there is poetic justice. Uwe Boll has been tapped to direct the silver screen presentation of "Postal", Running With Scissors' unapologetically horrible video game. When I say that the video game Postal is bad, I need you to understand my full meaning:
1. Strip all of your clothes off.
2. Find a skunk.
3. Open your mouth.
4. Grab the skunk by the midsection, point its ass-end at your face and squeeze.
5. Roll around in shards of broken glass.
6. Jump into a hot tub filled with lemon juice.
7. Pour Tabasco sauce into your eyes.

Now. As bad as you feel right now... as horrific as things are... the video game Postal is worse. Trust me, you'd rather follow all of those steps than play that game. If you can call it playing, or a game. That thing is an affront to video games.

So, let's take a horrible video game and turn it into a movie and have the worst director of all time take charge of it! (oh, if only the suicide pact part was true...)

But it does sound appropriate to me. I mean, it's not like I'd want Ridley Scott, Steven Speilberg, or Martin Scorsese directing that movie. No, if they HAVE to make the movie, I think they've got the wors- I mean, the best man for the job.