Distractionica Electronica

Never one to shy away from gimicky controllers and hype, I got my hands on Red Octane's Guitar Hero. (Hey, they're a local company. I'm just supporting my community, man!)

Needless to say, it's damn fun. More fun than Taiko Drum Master. The drum game tended to annoy me since half the time you weren't tasked with keeping the beat, but rather playing notes by hitting the drum. hrmph.

Well, with Guitar Hero, you're tasked with hitting the notes. Luckily, the difficulty setting makes sense too. You aren't expected to hit 16th notes until Expert level.

Real guitar players will be frustrated by the hammer-ons and pull-offs, and will probably dislike the strum bar. But, as a drummer, they don't bother me. What DOES bother me is the guitar controller. I know that Red Octane got a deal with Gibson (aka Epiphone), hence why you see Gibson guitars all over the packaging and in the game, BUT... why the fakey Gibson SG? If Red Octane wanted to give us the "ultimate" Gibson, NOTHING is more immediately recognizable than the Gibson Les Paul. Who knows, maybe EpiphoneGibson is working on its own full-size Les Paul controller. That would rawk.

Now... song selection.
The good:
Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated
Boston - More Than A Feeling
Ozzy - Bark at the Moon
Stevie Ray Vaughn - Texas Flood

The overdone:
Joan Jett - I Love Rock and Roll
Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Pantera - Cowboys from Hell
Deep Purple - Smoke on the Water

The notably missing:
AC/DC - Back in Black
Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
The Kinks - You Really Got Me
Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Ride
Kiss - Rock and Roll All Nite
Anything by Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones

One can only hope that the sequel to Guitar Hero will include some Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Kiss, U2, Jeff Beck, The Police, Dick Dale...

Of course, Dick Dale songs would only be available at expert level and would need to include a seizure warning.

I must also note, that the details in the game make it truly a guitar rock fan's game:

• The dials on your amp go to 11
  
• Your in-game avatar kicks over amps and smashes his/her guitar
  
• Tips like: "They don't really want you to play Free Bird, they're heckling you."

The dials going to 11 garnered instant laughs from me.

The crew at work have yet to attempt it, but as multiplayer modes are available, there WILL be a battle of the fake guitarists. Oh yes, there will be...

Dissonance.

My jaw aches.

I roll over, sigh, and rub my jaw with my left hand. No, it's not really my jaw that aches. It isn't tender to the touch, isn't warm, and isn't swollen.

I yawn and swallow the saliva that had been building in my mouth during my jaw examination. A sharp pain shoots from my jaw to my ear.

Ah. Clenching my teeth while I slept again.

I rarely do that. Nocturanal teeth clenching, for me, occurs as often as nightmares do. Which is to say, once year at the most. Both are symptoms of a larger problem: anxiety.

No, I am not stressed about the holidays. On the contrary. It's a pending adventure that I'm truly eagerly awaiting. No, Christmas causes me no stress. We're refinancing the hosue... but that's all taken care of. The lender is sending out the checks to pay off all of our debt today, as a matter of fact. That's a relief, not a stresser. I'm not stressed at work, although-

-Pop-

Something drops onto my chest. My wife, still sleeping, has unconsciously decided that I'm a very comfortable pillow. It could be worse. I could have taken an elbow to the rib cage or a heel to the shin. My snoring has gotten worse of late thanks to Winter. It's dry. Dry air makes everything bad. My skin nearly constantly itches in the Winter thanks to the low humidity. Me scratching at it doesn't make it any better. My left arm-

-Pop-

Was that the cat? Well, one of them at any rate. I open my eyes and sure enough, a little green-eyed gray face is staring at me. It must be breakfast time. No, past breakfast time. If it were breakfast time, the cats would be bothering my wife. Since they're after me, it means they're impatient. But since it's after breakfast time, it means I'm running late.

I gently nudge cat away, roll my wife onto her side of the bed, and venture to the bathroom. I grab the toothbrush, rinse it, apply the toothpaste, and jam into my mouth. A few scrubs-

-Pop-

My jaw aches.

Nooooooooo!

Appearently, Joss Whedon has forsaken us Browncoats.

Damn. Damn it all to hell.

Don't make 'em like they used to.

For those of you who don't know, I work in the video games industry. I'm also an avid fan of video games.

That said, I've recently added Popolocrois to my video game collection. (Increasing my video games collection for the PSP by 25%.) I'm a good 3 hours into that game, and for some reason, I wandered over, picked up my beloved GBA SP, and started in on Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. AGAIN.

Which got me thinking about the original Final Fantasy Tactics. Gads that game was great. I still own it and am now contemplating playing it again. (I also own a real, legit, legal copy of Virtual Gamestation, allowing me to play FFT on my Mac. JOY!)

So all this made me think "Why don't they make more games like this?" And then I realized, they try. Then I realized, hey, I'm part of "they". Granted, I have absolutely no say in what games get made nor what features go into those games, but I have the ear of a few Producers who might listen.

But I digress (just a bit). There have been games that have tried to emulate Battle Ogre, Final Fantasy Tactics, and the whole tactics genre:
Tactics Ogre, Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis, Fire Emblem, Disgaea, Stella Deus, La Pucelle, Advance Wars, Suikoden Tactics, Lord of the Rings Tactics...

And there are more.

A few of them are good, but mostly, they suck. Why is that? Why can't we get a good story with good graphics and nice tactical gameplay?

If you have tips on a good tactics game, let me know.

Polls.

Polls frustrate me.

Opinion polls are usually taken from a one-sided demographic and are often made of a statistically invalid number of people.

CNN just posted their take on a recent Gallup Poll. (Which, by the way, CNN co-sponsored.)

Now, upon reviewing the article, you might say:
"Poor Dubya Bushy. He's just one big disservice to himself. America is sick of him and he's dragging the whole Republican party down with him."

Whether or not that's true depends upon what side of the fence you're leaning against...

But now for my point:

Results are based on telephone interviews with 1,003 national adults, aged 18 and older, conducted Dec. 9-11, 2005. For results based on the total sample of national adults, one can say with 95% confidence that the maximum margin of sampling error is ±3 percentage points. In addition to sampling error, question wording and practical difficulties in conducting surveys can introduce error or bias into the findings of public opinion polls.

"One can say with 95% confidence..." that's a crock of shit. No one speaks in 95%.

Since there are over 280 Million people who live in the United States, do you think that one thousand is a statiscally valid number of people to poll? Well, it's not.

And my favorite part:
"In addition to sampling error, question wording and practical difficulties in conducting surveys can introduce error or bias into the findings of public opinion polls." Translation: the pollsters can tip the scales however they want; on purpose, or by accident.

Hence why polls frustrate me.

Somethings Mac-ish

Yes, there are spelling/grammar errors in today's title. You sort them out while get on with it.

Things Mac-ish
Gin
My sittin' chair
Leather
Mashed potatoes
Female anatomy
A good game
Staying home

Things not Mac-ish
Schnapps
Dress shoes
Polyester
Cauliflower
Diet Pepsi®
Statuettes
Going to work

*sigh*

So now you know.

Satisfaction

So, Wendy's has gone a bit crazy. (Follow that link and watch the "Equalizer" commercial.) And in their madness for cardiac-arrest inducing burgers, they've used Benny Benassi's 2004 tune "Satisfaction." The tune itself is just plain techno whiz, no real biggie. (Oh, what a pun!)
No, the song isn't particularly memorable unless you've seen the accompanying original music video for it. -Presented to you here in all its glory.

Now, after seeing that, would you rather have a Triple with cheese, or a Dual Action Saw?

I thought so.

Tequila 101

A co-worker here at The Company has landed a new job and will be moving on at the end of the week. I took it upon myself to get him a bottle of tequila as a farewell from the "old timers" in the department.

Having this bottle of very fine tequila (Tequila 1921, Blanco) sitting at my desk made me want to dispense some of my booze wisdom. And then, folks here at work have been asking me why this stuff is so expensive, rare, and covetous.

So, here we go:

Tequila 101

A Brief Tequila History
Tequila is North America's first distilled spirit and first production alcohol.
During their exploration of the New World in the late 1400's and early 1500's, Spanish conquistadors encountered a fermented beverage called pulque that was produced by the Nahuatl peoples. The primary ingredient in the fermentation process of pulque was the agave. As the early Spaniards ran out of brandy, they searched for a source of fermentable sugar for distilling. They experimented with the agave, which was abundant in the volcanic soils in the Sierra Madre region surrounding Guadalajara.

In 1600, the first tequila factory was established by the "father of tequila," Don Pedro Sanches de Tagle, Marquis of Altamira. Don Pedro also was the first to begin cultivation of the blue agave for distilling and in 1636, Governor Don Juan Canseco y Quiñones authorized its distillation and manufacture (so he could tax it). However, Spanish rule suppressed tequila production and it wasn't until Mexican independence that tequila distillers began large-scale production.

The first licensed manufacturer of tequila was Jose Antonio Cuervo who began cultivation in 1758. By the mid-1800's, his family fields had more than 3 million agave plants. Cuervo was also the first distiller to put tequila into bottles. Today, Cuervo is the largest manufacturer of tequila. In 1873, another major distiller, Don Cenobio Sauza, acquired La Antigua, a company founded in the early 1820's. Today, Sauza owns about 300 agave plantations and is the second largest tequila manufacturer.

What is Tequila?
Tequila is a centuries old liquor from Mexico. Like many other exotic drinks, nations other than where it originated have tried to brew it. But just like Champagne, Cognac, and Bourbon, if it's not from where it started, it's not the real deal.

Tequila is, and can only be, from Mexico. To get very technical, tequila can only be legally produced within 200 kilometers of Guadalajara. If it isn't grown and distilled in Mexico, it cannot be called tequila. But here's where things often get fuzzy: the agave plant. Tequila is made from a succulent called the Agave Tequilana Weber plant, or blue agave. (Agave is NOT a cactus. Stop saying it is. It's more closely related to amaryllis or lilies.) If a tequila is made from anything other than agave, it's not a true tequila. While it is "acceptable" for tequila manufacturers to cut their agave with sugar cane or prickly pear or what-have-you, tequila must be at least 51% agave. REAL tequila is 100% Agave and will proudly say so on the label.

Identifying Tequila
If the bottle of tequila you are about to buy doesn't say "100% Agave" and bear the letters "NOM" and "CRT" on it, put it back. "NOM" stands for Norma Oficia Mexicana, and it's the culmination of years worth of laws governing the crafting of tequila. "CRT" stands for Consejo Regulado de Tequila, the official tequila regulating body. They've been around for at least 70 years in one form or another.

Side note: the other regulatory body, Camara Regional de la Industria Tequila, is really to help develop the tequila industry, not to apply the rules.

Common Misconceptions
Now that we've gotten through the mumbo-jumbo, here's the stuff you really wanted to know.
Q: Silver, Gold, Blanco, Resposado, Añejo... what does all this mean?
A: These are all ways of distinguishing the varying aging processes that can be employed.
- Blanco, or "silver" tequila is distilled in copper (like a white wine) and requires very little or no aging. Tequila blanco is clear and has very few impurities.
- Platina or "platinum" tequila, like Blanco is not aged and so remains clear. What sets it apart is that Platina is distilled at least twice, not just once like Blanco.
- Resposado or "gold" tequila has been let to rest in oak casks for 3 to 12 months. This resting imparts a spicy flavor to the tequila and adds a slight yellow hue.
- Añejo, a.k.a Reserva, tequila is aged in oak casks for no less than 12 months. Añejo takes on the properties of an armagnac or a whiskey; taking a large amount of flavor from the barrels. Añejo tequila is often a deep gold color.
Purists (like myself) will tell you that Blanco is the only way to go. It's been said that "Blancos are a real man's drink and if you ask a true tequila drinker he will say that tequila should only be 'Blanco'" and I wholeheartedly agree.

Q: What does quality matter? Don't you just do shots of the stuff?
A: Does quality in a brandy matter? Would you do a shot of a beautifully aged Cognac? Sheesh. These misconceptions come from years of being forced to drink that yellow anti-freeze that dares to call itself tequila. You do shots of that because it's nasty and you want it over and done with. Proper tequila should be sipped like brandy. If you must, have it with lime or sangrita.

Q: Have any recommendations? (a.k.a., "I hate tequila")
A: Of COURSE I have recommendations! I'm of the opinion that if you like a nice whiskey, brandy, or bourbon, you'll like a REAL tequila. Just do yourself a favor: don't buy tequila from the supermarket! Your selection will be limited and the prices are usually inflated.

My number 1 recommendation is, obviously, Tequila 1921. It's artisan crafted by a man who honestly loves his job. Your local liquor store probably won't have it in stock, but check specialty wine shops. I've found Tequila 1921 in local stores for as little as $45.

Second on my list: Asombroso. Asombroso El Platina is an excellent way to ease yourself into a nice tequila addiction. When you're man enough to admit you like pink, try Asombroso la Rosa.

And my number three recommendation: Don Eduardo. If you're looking for a "real" tequila experience for under $40, this is it.

Now, in the "bang for your buck" department, Cazadores. While you should easily be able to find Don Eduardo and Cazadores in your local liquor store, Cazadores will be pretty cheap; coming in at under $27. Just because it's not in a fancy little jug-shaped bottle doesn't mean it's unworthy. It's a great little tequila and one you don't need to feel guilty about making margaritas with!


Q: How do I make a nice margarita?
A: I'm glad you asked. Here's my favorite recipe and one that's excellent for showcasing a bottle of Cazadores:

Mac's Perfect Margarita
1 part lime juice (fresh lime, not reconstituted, not frozen, not sweetened) -oh, key or mexican limes if you can find them
1 part Cointreau or Triple Sec
2 parts silver tequila

Add all ingredients to a shaker. Add a handful of ice. Shake well. Strain and serve up in a chilled cocktail glass, or serve over (just dump the whole shaker) in a tumbler.
Enjoy!

So now you know more about tequila. If you're of legal drinking age, go out and get some!

Saturday. Yeah, whatever.

There is no weekend.

I'm at work again today. Yes Virginia, there is no weekend. So instead of me taking a break and flexing my never-used leg muscles, I'm blogging. Bringing my message... to you.

You know, just to reiterate my birthday message to Panzer: if you can't be a badass, this ain't the gig for you.

My particular department is at the whims of other departments. Basically, when they're "done", they pass the game to us. Now ponder for a moment: what are the chances that anyone is done with a game on a Sunday night? Done with a game on Sunday... as opposed to Friday? Working through the weekend, instead of taking one.

Yeah. Fuckin' never.

When I'm a big famous video game producer, I'll be sure to remember these situations and push my team to work weekends so the other 20 departments that need to touch the software can take a weekend off and start fresh on a Monday.

Believe it or not, at this moment I am not complaining because this is the 13th day in a row that I've worked. I am complaining because it's close to Christmas and I should be with my family sipping eggnog and brandy instead of working on a game made for a dead console that no one will buy. I just don't get the logic in this. Pay me overtime, adding to the costs of a game that likely won't break even at sell-through.

Oy.

So if you think working at a video game company is all fun and games... you're wrong. It's work. Sure, there's the occasional rubber band war and the infrequent chair races down the halls, but usually: it's thankless tedium raking away the hours of your life.

And half the time, you won't even make it into the game's credits. It's a damn good thing that I'm a badass otherwise I might care about that stuff. Nope. Not me. I care about making sure the game that you buy yourself or for your kid or your nephew actually runs well. I care that the game is as solid as can be. I care that brings hours of enjoyment.

That's what I care about; not getting credit in the game. Cuz let's face it, if you hate the game, I'm out of a job. And a paycheck is a lot more important than one's name temporarily glowing on a TV screen.

But still... I'd rather be sipping that eggnog.

Old. Gamer.

So, Panzer is a year older today. (Happy Birthday, you young punk.) In his various thoughts on the day, he noted:

Anyway, I'm getting old real fast. I suppose it's time to start thinking about settling down and start a family of my own. Is a job in the video game industry stable enough to carry all of that? Maybe not.

I can say, with a degree of clarity that pondering a job in the video game industry is not too much different than pondering a job in other industries. It has its pros and cons...

Pros:
- Working in a leading-edge industry
- (Being or) working with the funniest craziest people you'll ever know
- Seeing new games and technology before other folks do

Cons:
- Long and crazy work hours
- Scope creep/the cutting floor/timelines
- The screaming

There are more in each list, but I'd really rather not go there at the moment. Hey, it's my job I'm praising and bashing here. But, in my experience, the key to surviving in the video game industry: be a hard ass.

Now, I love my job. Sure, it drives me insane sometimes, and yes, I'm looking for upward mobility at the moment, but... I enjoy what I do. Some folks miss the fact that I'm happy when I get to complain about stuff. Me grousing about long work hours means I'm being pushed at work... and I work best under pressure, always have.

But I must be honest here: I don't like the arguments. I really do hate it when I'm right, I have 20 very important people backing me up that I'm right, but some person who shouldn't even be in the industry thinks I'm wrong... and gets his way. Granted, that person usually winds up getting screamed at by his Supervisor for not listening to me, but it irks me all too often that I'm a position where I *KNOW* what I'm talking about but folks still belligerently think I'm wrong.

There will always be people in this Industry who (unjustly) believe that if your job title doesn't include the word "Executive", "Manager", "Director", or "Producer", that you are lower class and therefore stupid.

Hypothetically speaking: let's say there was a gaming company that has been around since the late 19th century. Let's say this company is huge globally. Let's say that they've been making game systems on which to play video games for decades. Let's say that they currently make three seperate systems on which gamers can play. For simplicity sake, let's just call this hypothetical company "Arigato".

If the "Arigato" company existed, my job title here The Company should be; "Arigato Guru - Finger of God". If I say that your game for an Arigato console will fail, it will fail. If I say that your game for Arigato is out of compliance, it is. If I say that I don't like the word "the" in one of your error messages, you will remove it.

So my job title isn't hoity-toity. I know what I'm talking about. Take heed, or fail.

But for Panzer... this industry will chew you up and spit you out if you aren't a hard ass. If you can't be a ruthless, take-no-prisoners, stick to your guns evern when you're wrong kind of a guy, this industry will suck the life from you like the Dark Crystal sucked Podlings dry.

Bushy, Bushy, Bushy...

So, Dubya Bushy is having a talk at the nation right now. CNN's early report commented:

President Bush says the Iraqi people have made "amazing progress," in transitioning from life under a brutal tyrant to liberation. But Bush concedes reconstruction "has not always gone as well as we had hoped."

I didn't know it was possible to overstate and understate that dramatically. But maybe Bushy is finally getting better at this "President thing." He can lie almost as well as Clinton.

(OOH! I bashed two Presidents in one breath! Step back, I'm on a roll!)

Seriously though, I'm not amazed by the progress the Iraqi people have made in transitioning from tyranny to a loose republic. I am, however, amazed that they haven't booted U.S. and U.N. forces out yet.

And saying that things in Iraq have "not always gone as well as we had hoped" is like saying that when the Twin Towers fell, some folks died and there was some dust. (Now don't get all riled up about me mentioning the Twin Towers. It happened. We cannot hide the past: We must remember.)
So what were we hoping for? Lessee here...

• Proof of weapons of mass-destruction or proof that Saddam Hussein had the capability to make them; thus justifing the U.S. invasion.
  
• Once the invasion was over, U.S. Troops would be a small police force, relatively safe, and accompanied by new Iraqi police.
  
• A stable Iraqi self-governing body established by June of 2005.
  
• U.S. Troops to begin scaling back their presence in Iraqi one year after declaring "victory".

...Not always gone as well as we had hoped.

Yeah. You could say that again. And again... and again...

Sayin' hey.

Here's a shout out to bloggers with whom I share something(?) in common.

First, to Christie. Thanks for bringing the House Drinking Game to light! Now make one for Bones and I'll be VERY happy!

Next up, Morris! No, you're not a grumpy old man. You're my long lost twin brother... or I'm your long lost Evil Twin®. Stop putting my thoughts down before I've had them.

Amy of Amy's Robot manages to comment on life & the collective hunch we call "reality" in a way that makes me want to sit back and laugh at it all.

While not technically a blog, hey to The Post Show.

I would be remiss (and a complete ass) if I didn't list Catherine, aka Cat. I remember when she went by the moniker "Eponine." She wrote (still writes) the first blog I ever read. Thankfully, she was able to reply my e-mails asking if she was ok back on 9/11/01... yeah, I've been chatting with her for that long.

And, of course, PanzerJedi (wacky dude and contemplative gamer) and my big sis Max Marie.

So, if you haven't checked out these blogs, please do so.

Thanks.

Yes, I wrote that.

Woah there, Sparky.

I've gotten a number of e-mails (which is suprising, because no one comes here, so how could they read it?) asking if I actually came up with what I wrote on December the 3rd:

The Internet is like one gigantic episode of America's Funniest Home Videos: You laugh, you wince in sympathetic pain, and then you turn it off.

Yes, I came up with that all my own. It's from my brain. I'll even claim copyright on it:
"The Internet is like one gigantic episode of America's Funniest Home Videos: You laugh, you wince in sympathetic pain, and then you turn it off." ©2005 Mac (a.k.a. Eron)

Are we clear now?

Oh, and yes, you can use it in your e-mail/weblog/bulletin board sig, just give me credit, ok?

Now stop with the e-mails.

Disclosure.

I guess there's a blogger up here on BlogSpot with a recent entry that very cleverly repackages the information in this post from the "domain rookie" who stole the information from Guardian Guide, who in turn ripped it off from Snopes. Not that I'm bashing this guy for taking something on the web, tweaking it, and passing it off as his own idea...

Ok, maybe I am.

In the interest of full disclosure, my own "Thanks" was a modified version of an e-mail making its rounds these days. I posted it here to keep it, as I do often. Things like that amuse me. The difference between what this other person did and what I did being: I stated it wasn't mine.

What this character should have done was to take that information and intro it with something like:

So, some other websites have noted that people should really think hard before registering their web domains. Here's a list of bad domain ideas that's been floating around with a couple that I found added in...

Seems easy enough to me.

In this day of rampant plagiarism, give credit where it's due whenever possible. PLEASE!

Five

Ready?

Top 5's!

Top 5 Things I Dislike:
5. Unshowered people
4. Republicans who can't shut up / Democrats who can't deliver
3. Bad breath
2. Slow drivers
1. Broccoli

Top 5 Ways I Procrastinate:
5. Drinkin'
4. Web surfin'
3. Gamin'
2. Sittin'
1. Watching Firefly DVDs

Top 5 Quotes (said by me):
5. "You shall all bow to my will and call me your Evil Master!" (while at work)
4. "I'll give you a dollar if you'll shut up and go away." (while at a bar)
3. "Only if you'll get them to stop staring at me!" (while looking at my wife's breasts)
2. "You're telling me that Alabama's mascot is a red box of laundry detergent?" (while flat on my back)
1. "It's the best of both worlds: I get to be alive and unconscious." (while conversing about sleep)

Top 5 Quotes (not said by me):
5. No blood. No foul.
4. Inconceivable!
3. I can kill you with my brain.
2. Spooky evil toaster, spooky evil toast!
1. You say that like it's a bad thing.

Top 5 CD's I Don't Own:
5. Wham! - Make it Big
4. Edie Brickell - Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars
3. Britney Spears - Britney
2. Twista - The Day After
1. Ashelee Simpson - I am Me

Top 5 Beverages:
5. Guinness
4. Smithwick's
3. Whiskey (Highland, please)
2. Coffee
1. Coca-Cola

Top 5 Things Likely to Escape My Mouth on Accident:
5. Your mom.
4. Suck it.
3. For the love of God...
2. Shut up!
1. Cocksuckermotherfuckersonofabitch!

Top 5 Things Heard at Work... out of context:
5. "Ooh, right into the hole!"
4. "I had him on his back in 8 seconds."
3. "I want her to take a shower but she keeps dancing solo."
2. "He went in hard trying to score."
1. "I shot him in the head like six times but the bastard wouldn't die!"

Top 5 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now:
5. Soaking in a hot tub
4. Drinkin'
3. Driving really fast
2. Playing the drums
1. My wife.

The Xbox 360 Ad

Sorry for not posting sooner, but I've known about this since before Thanksgiving.

Let's just say that my business tends to have to know stuff like this.

But I fully agree: coolest ad I've seen in a long time.

Cynics, Bitterness, Anguish... and a bottle of Rum

I'll save the upbeat stuff for later in the post. So, you know, don't tune out yet, it's coming.

Earlier this year, a teenage gal embarking on her college career, met up with a guy she'd met on "myspace" who said he was a photographer. Now, if you're a cynic, like I am, you immedately jump to the conclusion that this guy was, in fact, not a photographer; but just some creep looking to take advange of a teenage girl. Well, it was even worse than that.

Fast forward to this week. A teenage boy from Mission Viejo, CA posted a message on myspace... asking others to contact the police, have them go to his house and check the bathroom. He then went into the bathroom and shot himself.

I'm not reporting on this stuff to get people all riled up and angry at myspace. It's not their fault. I'm sure that some idjits in the U.S. House of Representatives or the Senate will see it differently and say that myspace is a dangerous force on the will of America's youth... or something like that.

No, I'm relaying this info in the hopes that someone, anyone, thinking of "hooking up" with someone they met here in cyberland will think again. Or, anyone contemplating suicide and posting their last words up here will instead, call a live human being and talk.

We all need to realize that The Internet Is Shit. You can't take anything up here at face value. The Internet is like one gigantic episode of America's Funniest Home Videos: You laugh, you wince in sympathetic pain, and then you turn it off. Try not to take anything or anyone up here seriously. (Yeah, myself included.)

Ok?

Ok.

Onward:

Last month I posted a link to the coolest video footage of Christmas lights EVER. I'd pondered if it was real. It is. Oh, and you can bet that I'm pondering doing the same thing next year!

And...

THIS is the best rum I've ever had in my life. EVER. It's like a fine congac or an exquisitely aged highland scotch whiskey. If you're wondering what to get me from Christmas, feel free to send me a bottle of this!

Thanks.

The Season of Thanks.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and blood from the freeway. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. For the same reason, I've stopped putting plastic water bottles in the freezer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or vending machines because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Also, I now check the pump handles at gas stations for the same reason.

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now use a sponge for ery envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.

I no longer use those cancer-causing deodorants even though, on a hot day, I smell like a water buffalo. Oh well. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I don't shop at Target, either, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers or I might wind up getting a deep fried rat.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 100th time). Neither do I have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I will be able to solve these problems when I get my $32,000 from Bill Gates for participating in a Microsoft e-mail survey. (But I am still waiting for the dancing Taco Bell Chihuahua to appear on my screen.)

I'm really not worried anyway, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for my soul and St. Theresa's novena will eventually grant my every wish.

Also, thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

So, yes, thank you all for your thoughts and concern for my well being. In the future, however, keep those damn e-mails to yourself!

(modifed version of an e-mail forwarded from my father-in-law)

Not Just the Law, but Also...

...The Rules.

It's unfortunate that idiot drivers in the State of California don't read this blog, but I'm hopeful that you careful drivers (and non-drivers) will pass along this information.

Right then, it's rainy and dark. Although it's 8:30 am, it's difficult to see 100 feet ahead of you. You get onto the freeway and:
a. Punch it. You're safe in a big ol' SUV with 4-wheel drive. Let those little Priuses and Elantras worry about the weather.
b. Slow down. You drive a slow, reasonable speed for the weather. And you do it in whatever lane you're in, no matter how many cars are behind you.
c. Do your regular thing. You always keep a safe following distance anyway, so you simply adjust a bit for the weather.
d. Turn on your headlights.

Well, on my way in to work today, the answer was, appearently: all of the above.

The Law, however, says the answer is b & d. Yes, B and D. If it's raining, you are required by California Law to turn on your headlights. "Why? It doesn't help me see." asks you. "Because it helps other people see you, ya twit," replies I.

The Rules say the answer is C and D. You should be driving safely no matter what the weather is like. The only things you should need to change about your driving habits are turning on your headlights and leaving a bigger gap in front of you.

Oh, and I need to remind some of you: because you're in a big ol' SUV means you need to DRIVE SLOWER and leave LARGER gaps in front of you. That tank that you call a Suburban, or Ekkalayd, or Exploder, or Aych-Too, or whatever requires a longer stopping distance. Wet roads increase the chance of you losing traction and slamming into other cars.

...unless, of course, you're me. I've been driving my Sport Mode & DSC-enabled, full-time 4-wheel drive, traction assisted, Silverstar headlamp & driving light equipped, Land Rover Discovery Series 2 for three years now. It has new Toyo Rain & Snow tires and brand new wiper blades. I've tested it on road and off. I've had it at speeds well over the maximum posted limit in pouring rain.

I know what I'm doing.

You don't.

So calm down and turn on your headlights. It's just some rain.