Thanks.

The Season of Thanks.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and blood from the freeway. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. For the same reason, I've stopped putting plastic water bottles in the freezer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or vending machines because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. Also, I now check the pump handles at gas stations for the same reason.

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now use a sponge for ery envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can of soda I open for the same reason.

I no longer use those cancer-causing deodorants even though, on a hot day, I smell like a water buffalo. Oh well. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I don't shop at Target, either, since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers or I might wind up getting a deep fried rat.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 100th time). Neither do I have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I will be able to solve these problems when I get my $32,000 from Bill Gates for participating in a Microsoft e-mail survey. (But I am still waiting for the dancing Taco Bell Chihuahua to appear on my screen.)

I'm really not worried anyway, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for my soul and St. Theresa's novena will eventually grant my every wish.

Also, thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

So, yes, thank you all for your thoughts and concern for my well being. In the future, however, keep those damn e-mails to yourself!

(modifed version of an e-mail forwarded from my father-in-law)