Dear MTA, You Suck.

I was going to spend today's entire post ranting about the horrific service from the "new and improved J Church/T Third to Caltrain" lines, but the San Francisco Chronicle has beaten me to the punch.

But, hey... it's me. So I'll do it anyway.

I left my office at 4:55. I had planned on taking 5 minutes to get the station, a 10 minute wait for my LRV (MUNI says a maximum 8 minute wait, but they lie), and a 15 minute ride to Caltrain. I'd make it to my train with over 5 minutes to spare.

So, promptly 5 minutes after I left my office, I was at the Montgomery St. Station, standing on the platform... with 20 other people who already waiting.

After 10 minutes, a two-car M rolled up and parked. And I mean PARKED. Doors open, not moving. About 2 minutes later, a two-car N rolled in behind the M and let its passengers out. 1 minute later, an L was blocked in behind both of them.

3 minutes later, the 2-car M closed its doors and scuttled out of the station. One minute after that, the N bolted from the station, leaving the L to slowly roll up.
All the while, the poor computerized voice was repeating herself, over and over, like some bizzare scene from Max Headroom or Airplane:
"Approaching, Inbound, 2-car, Embarcadero. Followed by, Embarcadero in 2 minutes. Embarcadero in 3 minutes. I am sick of this, Embarcadero, crap. Inbound trains, are, completely hosed."
At one point, I distinctly heard:
"Approaching, Inbound, 2-car Embarcadero. Followed by... In two minutes. ...In four minutes."

Then, we finally heard the voice announce a ONE car J in 4 minutes. Of course, the NextMuni led system didn't show any J lines in the loop for the next 11 minutes.

And then, after 30 minutes of waiting... a single... solitary... J Church train rolled up. And the 150 of us at the Montgomery St. Station tried to jam into it.

Most of us made it, some of us didn't. Then, at the Embarcadero stop, more people tried to cram in. A few made it. Most didn't.

The train had to make elongated stops at each station as locals tried to scramble out of the thing.

Fifty-two minutes after I left my office, I was at Caltrain. Luckily, I was able to catch the 5:56 Southbound. If I had WALKED all the way from my office to Caltrain, I'd've gotten there quicker.

So, would someone at MTA like to explain to me how a 30 minute wait for a ONE CAR J Church train is BETTER than a 15 minute wait for a 2-car N Judah?

Cuz, I'm all ears.

Reason #5 for NOT taking the 81x

Whenever it rains in San Francisco, the buses fill up like a stray cat in a room full of fish paste. It doesn't matter if you're trying to take the 30, the 45, the T, the J, the N, or the express buses: they all fill beyond capacity. So, this morning being rainy, I noted that in the back of my head. When I stepped off the train and saw no T or J waiting at 4th & King, and also saw the pouring rain, I headed for the 81x.

Now, when I got on, there was just myself, and two other folks (both of whom I recognized). The seats on the bus were nearly full by the time the second train pulled into the station. (Each 81x run serves two trains.) Now, on normal days, the 81x has about half of its seats full with the first train... so I knew what was coming. Sure enough, so many people were trying to cram into the bus that the doors couldn't close.

But this NOT the reason I recommend against taking the 81x.

The 81x makes 0 stops until 3rd & Market. It stops at 3rd & Market, then stops at Post (& Kearny) and Sutter (& Kearny), before making a right turn down Bush into the heart of the Financial District.

Now, the 30, the 45, and the 9 expresses, all make those same stops on 3rd/Kearny. This is troublesome because half of the population of San Francisco takes the 30, the 45, and the various 9's to get into Chinatown. So at the three afore mentioned stops, people to try to cram into the 81x, ignoring the folks in the 81x warning them off.

That's not the real issue either. So what if those folks push in, then start crying the moment the bus turns down Bush? No biggie.

No, the real issue is the driver of the 81x trying to engage said people in conversation. Instead of simply yelling "DO NOT BOARD THIS BUS!" upon opening the doors at Market, Post, and Sutter, he talks to them.
-Person actually waiting for the 9: Where you going?
-81x driver: Where are YOU going?
-P.A.W.F.T. 9: Where you going?
-81x driver: No, where do you want to go?
-P.A.W.F.T. 9: Stockton, Jackson
-81x driver: I. DON'T. GO. THERE!

Meanwhile, the folks trying to get to work are stuck standing in the 81x waiting for this guy to shut up, close the doors, and GET MOVING.

Beyond annoying.

Man, just let them on, or wave them off. Don't try to talk with them about their bus choices.

The Day the N Left, and the 15 Died.

Today, is a sad day.

Today is the last day that you can ride the 15... ever. And while that is sad, what saddens me more is that today is also the last day you can ride the N Judah out to Caltrain and the Ball Park.

No longer can I hop on the N and cruise the scenic ride down the Embarcadero to Mission Bay. No. As of tomorrow, I'll have to hop on either J Church or T Third. Mind you, I don't have a problem with either of those lines (other than the fact that they're single cars and will be stuffed like cannoli with commuters) it's just that I've been riding the N back and forth from Montgomery to 4th & King since it first started making the run. And that's a long time.
Not to mention the fact that N line operators have a unique sense of humor about their jobs. This morning, the N driver reminded us that on Monday, we'll need to catch the T or the J. He then commented...
"But I don't know how those single-car trains will be able to handle the folks I carry every morning. So, if you can, try to become VERY skinny this weekend!"

Now, the only time I'll ride the N is when I need to cruise on down to 11th go get a hand-held pie (damn, but those curry potato pies are GOOD!) or over to Duboce Park to watch people be silly and dogs be dogs.

So, we the faithful Embarcadero commuters say goodbye to the N.
You have served us well. We will miss you.

More on the N

I stink.

No, I'm not commenting on my own writing style... I actually smell horrid. And yes, I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, and used deodorant this morning.

What happened was...

While waiting for the N Judah this morning, a person of suspect hygiene and below-standard courtesy decided to light up. He already smelled as if he'd chain-smoked 2 packs before lighting up, so this latest bath in nicotine-soaked smoke wasn't helping.
He wasn't smoking Marlboros or Camels, or I'd've stood nearby and drunk in the second-hand smoke. (Hey, shut it. I quit smoking in college, but it doesn't mean I can't have a little fun now and again.) Whatever cigs he was smoking smelled horrid and I promptly wandered away.

The N Judah arrived and we all piled in like good little lemmings... and guess who stood RIGHT next to me? Yeah, Mr. Smoky McStinkensmell.

The ride took no longer than usual... but upon fleeing the N at the Montgomery Station, I found that I could still smell Mr. McStankanreek. His stench permeated my own clothes. GRAAHH!!

I swear, if I didn't love this shirt (and loath the Gap's latest fashion disasters) I'd go buy new clothes and throw what I'm wearing away. It's beyond annoying that I now have to endure this sinus-clogging situation.

So, in the spirit of my latest trend...

Ladies and Gentlemen.
Before riding the N Judah, T Third, J Church, or M Ocean View, please refrain from making yourself stink.
If you already stink before arriving at the MUNI station or stop of your choosing, please refrain from making it WORSE.
If it's the morning and you've showered, and yet you already stink: you're doing it wrong. Please watch Sesame Street and learn how to bathe.
If you don't know whether or not you stink, or you've applied cologne, perfume, or both; trust us: you stink.

Thank you for riding MUNI.

Top Ten Ways I Know You've Never Ridden the N Judah

So, I've been taking the N Judah again. I actually like it. It's usually diametrically opposed to me hoofing it over to 4th/Stockton and getting on the smelly, cramped, sweaty, unfriendly 30 or 45. The N Judah is welcoming. And the recorded gal that comes on in the underground sounds hawt...
"Approaching... Inbound... 2 car... N N... followed by... 1 car... J... in two minutes."
Yeah, baby.

But I digress. As I used to take the N back in the days when I first worked up in the City, I'm a veteran. Heck, I remember when the N first started making the trip out to Caltrain.

Now that I've started once again riding the N, I've noticed... noobs. No, not newbies, noobs. Yes, there is a difference. Therefore, in the spirit of making fun of people:

Top Ten Ways I Know You've Never Ridden the N Judah Before

10. You walk in, stand there, and glance from side to side. [You should know where you're going before you get on the train.]

9. You walk in and don't sit down or hold on. [Like the taste of that floor do ya? I doubt a bum has peed there... recently.]

8. You act annoyed when someone makes you move your breifcase so they can sit down next to you. [Dude, it's a packed train. You should get your lazy ass up and let that old lady sit down!]

7. You try to drink your double half-caff no-foam with-whip extra-hot grande mochaccino. [Coffee looks good on you! Really it does!]

6. You whip out your new iPod and start poking at it. [Good way to get it ripped from your hands.]

5. You start rummaging around through your bag/purse/briefcase. [We don't mind seeing your life spilled all over the floor.]

4. You whip out your new Treo/BlackBerry and start poking at it. [see #6]

3. You try to have a conversation with the person next to you. [Uhm... the whole car doesn't care what you're doing tonight.]

2. You take out your celphone and try to hold a conversation. [see #3]

And The Number One Way I Know You've Never Ridden the N Judah Before:
1. You curse & get agitated every time the N stops for no apparent reason.


*sigh*

Yeah.